My Story
It all started when…
Hi! I’m Rebecca, and I’m so grateful to be able to share my story with you. While my story is uniquely my own, it is unfortunately a rather common narrative. My hope in telling my story is to provide some hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel; recovery IS possible.
My dark years:
I remember being aware of my physical self from an early age. This did not strike me as odd, as the girls around me were also starting to express dissatisfaction with their own bodies. Over the next few years, this dissatisfaction evolved into outright hatred; an overwhelming and suffocating hatred of my body and myself. By the time I reached grade 11, I was completely unable to manage such difficult thoughts and feelings, and my eating disorder took complete control of my life. Each day felt like I was fighting to survive. I remember extreme, constant exhaustion, anger that I had no way to express, depression that drained me, and intense, chronic sadness. The complete loss of joy from everything, and everyone. My world lost all colour and happiness, and was replaced with strict rules, anxiety, and fear.
My world became smaller and smaller. While others planned for university, I spiralled further into darkness. I lost myself completely; I had no direction, no purpose, no sense of worth, and was suicidal. I attempted counselling, but unfortunately I did not connect with it, and it made no difference. The next few years came and went, with me managing to barely keep my head above water. I became very adept at hiding my eating disorder from those around me, the secrecy and isolation allowing it to thrive unchallenged. My early twenties were consumed with pretending to be alright, and illness; performing for the outside world, while I was fighting every single day to live.
I distinctly remember feeling as though life would become something wonderful once I had reached a certain weight, that I would be happy and feel confident, and at that point, I felt I would be able to let go of my eating disorder. The trap in that thinking was how entrenched the disorder had become in my mind, behaviours, and life. I was chasing a moving target, and had to resort to more extreme behaviours in order to achieve it. Throughout the duration of that time, I became sicker and sicker, and less engaged with everything around me. I lost jobs, relationships, friends, and my health.
The decision to seek treatment was taken away from me at 25, when my body was no longer able to keep up with the constant abuse. At first, I was furious. I could not imagine taking time away from my life to focus on recovery - the whole thing seemed unrealistic. Thankfully, over time in the hospital, I began to feel relief that I no longer had to hide this part of me, which was a huge weight off of my shoulders. With more intense support and encouragement, my willingness to explore recovery grew, and I started to believe that recovery was possible.
Recovered life:
After reaching a solid place in my recovery, I decided to change careers. After my journey, I wanted to support others on the most courageous journey of their life: Freedom from Disordered Eating. Today I am so grateful to work in a field that gives me a sense of purpose, and offers me the opportunity to walk with others during their own recovery.
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If we follow the pillars, we will develop a balanced way of eating that provides adequate nourishment and pleasure, and gently move us away from measuring, calculating, and feeling guilty or deprived.